|The Aftermath of Discovery
What happens next?
Cheating, and Infidelity
#1 The initial shock.
This is the phase where you are simply in disbelief. You cannot comprehend that your spouse was physically or emotionally
intimate with someone other than yourself. You start piecing the puzzle together and realize that so much of your reality was
actually a lie. During this phase you are simply in a fog while you try to make sense of what is going on and figure out if this
is all some sort of bad dream.
You begin to realize that this is actually happening and not some cruel joke. During this phase you may become physically ill
and find you are simply unable to get out of bed, go to work, or interact with others in your world.It is not uncommon for you
to have episodes of crying, throwing things, breaking objects, screaming, fighting, and generally behaving way out of control.
You cannot see past the anger and may choose to express your rage in ways that are dangerous, unhealthy, or illegal.
#3 The desire for revenge.
This is the point where you are the most dangerous. You are not thinking clearly and simply want to enact revenge upon
those who you feel have wronged you. You may begin plotting and planning ways to get back at either the other
man/woman, or your spouse. Thoughts of a revenge affair move to the fore-front of your mind and you may begin thinking of
who you can sleep with in order to even the score with your spouse. You start looking for ways to bring down your spouse's
lover by hurting him/her personally, professionally, or financially. Please remember, this phase will pass, and pure emotional
decisions rooted in pain often lead to actions which one later regrets.
#4 Letting go of the anger.
At this point the initial, violent, active rage subsides and you are left with a dull ache and the feeling of being emotionally
wiped out. This is typically the time when you can begin to entertain the notion of reconciliation, or begin taking steps to end
the marriage. Although deeply hurt, you begin thinking more logically and are not as consumed with revenge but rather are
more interested in taking an assessment of your life, goals and where you would like your marriage to go from here. You
begin focusing a little less on the other man/woman and more on your spouse and the mess they have made in your
marriage. During this phase, you are often simply too tired to fight, cry or re-live the horror 24 hours a day, and are
beginning to desire closure, one way or another.
#5 Picking up the pieces.
If you are planning and able to put your marriage back together, this is the point where you need complete, unwavering, total
cooperation from the cheater. He/she needs to know that this is going to be a looooong, drawn out process, which will only
be longer if they set up roadblocks to your recovery. Things the cheater does which hinder progress include, refusing to
answer questions regarding things that you have a right to know, continued contact with the other man/woman, minimizing
the situation or putting the blame back on the victim, or setting a time limit for when the victim should be "over it". All these
things are detrimental to the recovery of the relationship and make it nearly impossible for there to ever be true healing. If
you are not planning to put your marriage back together then this is the time you need to begin seeking space and time
fillers. I don't mean people that you run to on the rebound and then screw up their lives for the sake of your recovery. I mean
activities and interests that you move to the front of your life in order to fill up the empty space left by the loss of
companionship. This will be a lonely time but if you choose to sit around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself, you will remain
in this space indefinitely.
#6 Learning to trust again.
This is a difficult phase regardless of whether you are trying to repair your current relationship or begin a new one. I don't
advise beginning a new one anytime soon, however, because you need time to heal and be comfortable being with yourself
before bringing another person into your world. If you are trying to rebuild your marriage, learning to trust comes only from
seeing a cheater lay all of his/her cards on the table and them making their life an open book. This is an extremely long, slow
process which plain and simply can only improve with the passage of time. Once enough of your mate's stories check out as
true, and when you can feel with complete certainty that he/she is no longer communicating with the other man/woman, then
you are on your way to learning to trust again. But, as previously mentioned, if the cheater is not helping you along in the
process then it simply will not work. Additionally, if you are dealing with a serial cheater, or one who continues to cheat even
though they have vowed fidelity, this process will never end. Therefore, you likely can not, nor will not, ever rebuild the trust
necessary for a healthy marriage.
#7 Dealing with triggers.
Triggers are certain names, places and events which painfully remind you of the time your spouse was having an affair.
Perhaps it is a certain song that was popular during the time of the affair, or a restaurant or motel he/she told you they
visited. Triggers also come in the form of seeing someone who reminds you of the other man/woman or hearing their name.
Often looking back at old photos will become a trigger if in the photo you are standing there smiling at the camera, unaware
that your spouse was sleeping with someone else at the time. There is really no remedy for triggers or way to avoid them.
The only thing to do is to keep from obsessing over them and driving yourself crazy about things which you cannot control.
#8 Setting realistic goals.
This is the point when you need to figure out whether or not you will be able to continue in your present relationship. Of
course, it will never be the same, and following traumatic events you must settle into your "new reality". But, can you continue
to live in this manner? Do you feel comfortable that you will be able to trust your spouse again and not keep beating them
over the head everyday with questions and comments about the affair? Have they taken responsibility for their actions, tried
to repair the relationship, and vowed never to repeat the behavior? If so, and if you feel that with time the relationship can be
fixed, then moving on in your marriage is a realistic goal. If on the other hand, your spouse refuses to acknowledge the
affair, will not answer questions, behaves suspiciously and continues contact with the other man/woman, you need to
ascertain if you can indeed continue to live with this. If not, then reconciliation is not a realistic relationship goal. Only you
can do the assessment here, and although input from others might be nice, in the long run you need to take this time to
access what is in your best interest yourself.
#9 Finding a healthy new self.
With or without him/her, you will recover and you will be okay. Yes, it does take time, but you will emerge from this a
healthier, stronger more aware person. Hopefully you will recognize that you cannot entrust another individual with total
responsibility for your happiness. During this process, you should do quite a bit of soul searching in order to discover if there
was anything you could have done differently to strengthen the bond in your relationship. Becoming too needy, and overly
dependent upon your spouse is never a good thing. Therefore, you need to develop hobbies, friends and interests of your
own. That way if your relationship does not work out, you have a cushion to fall on, and if it does work out, you have used
this experience for personal growth. There is a lot to be learned about yourself, your spouse and your relationship following
an affair. Be sure not to look past the lesson, in order to stay in. Remember, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.
* Part of healing is self evaluation. Although nothing excuses an affair, ask yourself: Was I the best, most loving,attentive
spouse I could have been?
* Minimize input from others as you deal with the aftermath of an affair. You'd be surprised by the number of people who
don't have your best interest in mind.
* Recognize that you will not, and should not reclaim the marriage you once had. You will be better served by relinquishing
the old relationship and building a new one. Often a new anniversary date, a new way of communicating with each other, and
a renewed commitment to working together in the relationship are essential.
* Be mindful of marriage "stressors":
- 1) Unexpected differences
You've found the evidence, have confronted your spouse, and are now trying to figure out if the marriage can be repaired. You are wondering if
you will ever love, trust or be able to get over the hurt, rage and jealousy which results from discovering your mate had an affair. You feel all
alone in your grief and are wondering what comes next in this process. Well, let me walk you through the steps, and what you can expect to find
down this long, dark road toward recovery.